2020, Life

15th February 2020

It’s been 3 weeks since I declared my break away from writing. This is the first time I’ve put pen to paper since. I feel restless this evening, hoping doing a bit of writing may help me to settle, allowing me to sleep.

Outside it has been a day of wind and rain, Storm Dennis on the warpath only days after Storm Ciara made her mark. Thankfully, other than having to make redirections on journeys, I’ve not had troubles like others unfortunately have. Because of the weather, I haven’t gone outside as much which may be a factor to my restlessness; cabin fever.

That hasn’t meant I’ve sat on the sofa watching telly all day. Think I’ve watched a max of 2 hours.  I haven’t felt inclined to watch telly, much preferring to get uni work done. There is certainly a change in me compared to my previous enrolments at university. I was one to leave things to the last minute, causing me more stress, ultimately effecting my mental health and confidence, leading to the withdrawals.

Unless I’m on a shift, I’ve been spending a portion of my day sitting in the kitchen on the laptop doing some uni work/directed study. No matter how much I’m doing, the list is endless. I believe this is another factor to my restlessness. I think I would still be at the table, laptop on if it wasn’t for my 9 pm alarm.

This alarm, I set over a week ago now, every day regardless of my schedule, the alarm goes off at 9 pm. This is called Telly Off on my phone. No matter where I am in the programme/film/uni work, it stops and gets turned off. I’ve done this to put a boundary in place with myself and to promote a better night routine. Mostly I’ve got ready for bed and read. I’ve finished two books I had on the go since; Wild by Cheryl Strayed and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I’m hoping this will allow me to get better sleep and get me to feel I want to get up in the morning, alarm or not.

It’s great I’m feeling productive but I feel I may be reducing the fun in my life. Last week I did have a girls day with B for her birthday. Had some lunch, did some shopping and went to the cinema to see Birds of Prey. O lets not forget the gossip. I have planned for the week after next to go down south to my great aunt and uncles for 3 nights. So I’m hoping this will take my mind off uni for a small break.

I’m wanting to see my dad and step-mum and my brother, his wife and kids too soon as it has been a while since I’ve seen them all. Towards the end of last year, I did vow to go to my dads once a month, so far I haven’t met this. I have picked up the phone regularly to speak to him.

I may have been putting a lot on myself with uni but this hasn’t stopped me looking after myself in other ways. I’ve still been on my yoga mat daily and eating healthier meals. Although this week I seem not to be able to fill myself up. I’ve still been buying sweets and biscuits but I’ve decided to try baking again. I’ve half of what I need to make a few different selections, so I just need a small shop and I can get going with those.

My spending has been a bit hit and miss. I went over my clothes budget when out with B; buying 2 dresses and 2 yoga bras. I would have been okay if I said no to 1 of the dresses but I liked them both. I bought 2 rings at the beginning of the week and got a pair of earrings for free because I spent over a certain amount. I love the rings and I’m glad I have them but realistically I should have budgeted for them. I spent money again today; 1 item came out of a budget envelope and the 2 others didn’t. They were pens; with uni, I am using them having finished 3 pens off this week alone.

The other was a clip watch. Being on placement this week I’ve had to be bare below the elbows. I’ve not had a watch on and it has been really nice not having it around my wrist. I’ve not needed a fob watch on placement as there are plenty of clocks and the temperature equipment has a stopwatch. But for my main job, I’ll need something for when I’m on levels. I’ve seen another member of staff with a clipped watch on their belt. so I’ve taken their idea and got my own. This clipped watch will replace 2 items. The watch I was using and the fob watch I had from my previous job that doesn’t work anymore. So those are either going to the charity shop or in the bin.

I’ve mentioned placement. I’ve a two-week placement on a general ward, which I’m halfway through. I have mixed emotions about it from my first week. I don’t see it as a TNA friendly ward. For 2 shifts I shadowed a senior TNA who is due to qualify in June, and the other shift I was shadowing an HCA. Talking with the other TNAs it doesn’t seem like they get opportunities to shadow or learn nursing roles. Even the senior TNA hasn’t been able to do some of the nursing responsibilities and with so close to finishing that to me is concerning. The other thing that is concerning is the staffing and safety of the on the ward. Plus there being negativities between staff members.

Those I have worked with so far have been lovely and I really thank them for all they have done and showed me this week alone. But having a team that isn’t 100% happy isn’t the best working team. When there isn’t enough staff and patients attacking staff who aren’t trained to deal with a patient who is like that, on limited numbers of staff already. It doesn’t put me in a vote of confidence. I sometimes have thought my base was bad, there are incidents but staff are there supporting as quickly as they came even from other wards because we have alarms and are trained to deal with them if they happen. There are no staff alarms on a general ward. I’ll be interesting to see what the evaluation process of the placement is at the end; will it allow me to write the things I have here in more details? If not, I’ll be emailing the placement team.

It’s 23:13 pm and I still feel wide awake from. Storm Dennis is still going strong. I could probably eat a pizza right now but I’m not going to. I’ve an alarm set for the morning to give me time to do some yoga before I go to my mums to collect the plasterboards needed for my step-dad and me to do some work in the cellar. It’s the first thing done in my house since the laminate went down last month and I’m itching to get something started.

So I should be getting to bed and try to sleep.

Until next time lovely xoxo.

2020, Life

Taking a Break

Writing hasn’t been something that has popped into my mind to do lately. I’m not finding this a bad thing. I started writing around 3-4 years ago just to dump what’s in my head on paper. I made a goal with myself to journal every day. I did this because at the time my mental health was a one of it’s worst points. I’ve been there before but not used to writing as an outlet to help me get to a better place.

I wrote pretty much daily for a year then started to reduce it down to a few times a week after my second year. In 2019 I wrote a couple times a week when I felt I had something to dump or something to say. 2 and 1/2 years ago I started typing up my entries putting them into a blog. This was daily then changed it to bi-monthly. Last month I thought I’m gonna change this to once a month but if I have something I want to say straight away I’ll do a post just for that.

A part of me is losing my love of writing daily. Another part of me feels I have nothing to say. I haven’t had ties where my mind is at a point I’ve needed to dump words onto a page. I feel my mental health is a lot better but there’s something niggling at me that I’m not understanding yet.

I’m writing this and feel like a goodbye is coming. There isn’t a final one. The writing I have done over the past 4 years is a part of me and my past. I’ve previously gone and erased parts of my past but I don’t want to do this here. Yes, not many people have seen my writing. It’s not the reason why I started my blog. It’s me getting out of my comfort zone. That I’m still not comfortable with.

I feel a break is in order for me. A break from pressuring myself to write, to publish what I’ve written and to figure out what it is I want to write about. Mental health is something close to my heart. I want to look after my own as well as try to promote it. Right now I need to look after me. If I write, I will or I won’t. If I publish what I write, I will or I won’t.

So this is an I’m taking a break for an unforeseen amount of time. I will only now write and publish if I feel I want to. There will be no regular posts. The future may hold something different for me and the blog. I don’t know. I’m trying to give myself some of the Serenity I want out of this year.

Until Next Time, Lovely xoxo

2020, Life

Britain’s Strongest Man 2020

I’ve been looking forward to this weekend since September 2019. It didn’t disappoint. My best friend came over for the weekend so that she could also come to the event. The event that I’ve mentioned is Britain’s Strongest Man 2020. I loved last years event and I loved it this year. With a couple of differences in the event rounds themselves, it was great to see and Adam Bishop came 1st place!!!

I took a video of one round of each event during the night to help me remember in the future. I’m sharing them with you here. Apologies for the first event video, I seemed to have cut it short slightly.

Event 1

Event 2

Event 3

Event 4

Event 5

journal entries, Life

January 2020

1st January

The first day of 2020 has felt a positive one for me. I feel like I embodied my theme of Serenity, giving myself a day to do as I wanted when I wanted to do it. No pressure on myself and from other people. I need to give myself more days like this. I did a yoga practice, cleaned up after last nights New Year gathering, done some washing, watched a film, listened to music and podcast. I made a spaghetti bolognese from scratch which made my meal for tonight and the next few days for work. I didn’t spend any money. I was less in my head. I’m planning on listening to more of my podcast and starting a new jigsaw puzzle for the rest of the evening, before reading in bed. I feel the peace and calm within myself. This is a feeling that I want to feel and get from out of this new year.

4th January

Days and time moves quickly, doesn’t it? It’s the 4th of January already. Christmas and New Year never seem to last. I’m just hoping for 2020 it is a pleasant one.

I’ve been proud of myself over the last couple of days. Thursday and Friday I was working days and usually just watch something or say to myself that I don’t have time, I can’t do this or that. But I didn’t listen to that voice inside my head. Both evenings after work I did yoga. I’m glad that I did. It was like a meditation for my mind and body. I’ve done yoga ok all but one day so far this week. My body has aches but they are welcome ones.

January is the second month where I’ve been budgeting and using cash envelopes for certain categories. So far it has been going well. I’ve saved some money and I am able to fund my car service without worrying about the amount of money in my account. I’ve felt good about completing the whole experience. Today however I had doubts when I did my food shop. At my third stop I handed over a £5 note, which this didn’t accept stating it was fake, the ink rubbed off. I went to the second stop where I was given the note, they stated it was real according to their machine, not accepting it was fake. Thankfully though they swopped the note. I felt embarrassed and thought why should I continue doing things this way.

I know it’s 2 months in but I don’t want to quit sorting my money matters out the way I am just because of one experience. I don’t want to run my mind over and over about the matter either, hence why I’m writing about it. I just know now that I need to be careful in knowing what’s real or fake in terms of the money I’m handling.

Usually, a negative experience puts me in a negative mood where I stop doing the things that I’ve planned or thought about doing. This experience hasn’t. I did a bit more of my UCP course (I’m getting to the end, so happy about that) and I still went to my nail appointment and got my treat for the month. I’ve got everything I planned for today done, the rest of the day is mine to do what I want and when. Some of that is to sit and watch telly but that I’m happy about. No guilt at all.

This new mindset I seem to have got hold of is one I want to continue my life with. I don’t know what the future holds but matter what happens I know I can get to this mindset again.

8th January

9th January 

The last day of induction has finished. Tomorrow it begins for real. Lessons and homework await. I think now I’ve got so much information in my head, I’m not sure what to do with it. Some of it there isn’t anything I can do, so it’s just sat there waving at me. Because there are a lot of us on the course there is a Facebook group and a mini message group that both keep pinging off at all hours.

I need to set myself some boundaries with my phone and areas in my home. My home isn’t gonna be a quick fix. I need to sort the spare bedrooms out so I can turn one into a study space to stop me from using the kitchen table and mindlessly eating in front of the laptop.

Tonight I turned my phone off around 21:10 pm. This is early for me. Usually having it on right up to going to bed, not without looking at news feeds again just in case. The only thing for me is if there is an emergency. Ideally, I would like to turn my phone off earlier some days. Those who would need to contact me in an emergency would have to come to my door to wake me up/get a hold of me. I don’t have a home phone. For someone like my dad, there may come a time, if not already, he’s not able to drive to mine to do so. Because of this, I’m considering to get a home phone. Not to make outgoing calls, that’s what my mobile is for. But so that I can receive incoming calls in an emergency.

I feel this will give me peace of mind and help me keep my boundaries, plus have a digital detox within my routine. From this, I need to look into and budget for a home phone.

  • home phone research
  • home phone buy
  • save for a carpet
  • buy and get carpet installed
  • work desk research
  • save for desk
  • buy the desk

I know I have a £5 amazon voucher coming to me in a couple of weeks. I could always factor this into my phone purchase or I could try to save any vouchers up for birthdays/Christmas presents. I’ve said this to myself before and failed at such a task, using it to buy something I wanted. I’m trying to reduce my spending, especially impulse buying, to help me save money. So far so good in 2020.

13th January 

Today we said goodbye to my beloved grandma. I felt what I needed to and then had a good time with my family members. It was good to see them despite the circumstances. Once I got home, I was in tears again but happy ones. My sister asked me if I would be godmother to her newborn. Today has been a day with tears and love but one I’ll remember.

Finished Reading:
My not so perfect life by Sophie Kinsella

Shazam > 2.5 out of 5
Instant Family > 4 out of 5
Life of the Party > 3.5 out of 5
The Hustle > 3 out of 5
Aladdin (2019) > 2.5 out of 5

Health, Life, University

Day 8 of 2020

I’m not sure what it is. I can’t put my finger on the exact reason or if somewhere inside me a switch has been flicked on. But I feel different. My mindset is different. Could it be that I’ve let go of the grief and stress of family health and deaths I’ve had to deal with throughout 2019 and the month of December?

It’s day 8 of January. Day 8 of the year. Could the feeling and mindset change be contributed to New Year, New Start? I’m not gonna say new me. I’m always gonna be me. Just having an upgrade.

It’s like I’ve taken my word for the year, serenity and instilled it inside me. Like walking around with serenity in my bones. Yes I’ve had small periods of where I’ve been rushed or stressed but they’ve been short lived.

Yes it’s only day 8. Habits or changes are supposed to take 28 or more days depending which article you read to lock down. The positivity inside me feels like it’s here to stay.

I’ve done yoga every day since the New Year. I’ve never had an 8 day streak before. I’ve always either had a day or two break or just up and quit. I certainly didn’t do yoga first thing and complete a Charleston dance class to end my day like I did yesterday.

I made a veggie, gluten free meal yesterday, including veggies I don’t usually go for as a healthy meal on Monday. This lasted me the until today. Tomorrow I’ll be doing a different veggie, gluten free meal for the next few days. Again with veggies I wouldn’t usually go for. I’ve been planning my main meals. I’ve still to work on my lunch and snacks but I’m getting myself healthier in the food department, plus having a more varied diet.

I’ve even felt calm with university. Monday was my official first day as a Trainee Nursing Associate. Yesterday was the first day at university for the apprenticeship to begin. I’m usually one for being anxious. But this time I’ve helped myself in not being so. I did a drive through with my mum and step dad on Sunday to university and back. Trying to get myself comfortable with driving instead of public transport, to help me save time and money. I was a little nervous about parking as the university don’t provide it. On my way to the car parking I was aiming for, I found an independent one that was £4 a day. Definitely better than potentially paying up to £10 per day in the multi storey car park.

Thankfully, I knew a couple of the girls that were doing the course with me. So we planned to meet up to help each other find our way. We’ve talked to the others in the course and joined the cohort Facebook page.

This week is the induction week at the university. It’s been information overload. It’s also gonna be a bit of me having me organise myself and chase up others in order to get my work completed and signed off. This is gonna be a challenge for me but one I want to face. Once home, I haven’t been putting it to one side for another day. I’ve been trying to get little bits done here and there to get them out of the way.

Once I’ve spent some time of the tasks I’ve switched off and tried to relax and balance myself before going to bed.

Monday was a good day at work. Being officially a TNA, I was able to observe a MDT meeting. One where I’ll be able to help the nursing team with once I’ve done my training. It was interesting for me as it allowed me to understand more about the patient and their treatment rather then just reading up on them. It doesn’t have the same effect on learning for me as actually seeing and doing the job. I’m gonna have to get used to learning by reading soon enough. But being an apprentice I’ll be able to learn by doing too.

I’ve been playing in my head, 3rd times a charm, when it comes to university. I have that determination of graduating this time. There are 2 more days left on my induction week. Let’s just hope there aren’t any more fire alarms; 2 in one day is more then enough.

I’m proud of myself. This is the first piece of writing in a while that has been as long. Usually it’s the whole 2 weeks in one that comes to this not just one days journal piece. I may feel serenity in my bones and my mindset is more positive but I’m still having chatter in my mind. It’s not as loud as it’s been before but it does make me question if I’ll get to sleep tonight. It’s 23:10 pm and I’m typing this up. I knew I wouldn’t go without completing the task. But it is one less chatter happening.

2020, Life

Happy New Year 2020

It wouldn’t be a group get together without some drama happening. I brought in the new year with tears but I was open with my friends instead of holding my thoughts in and letting my mind wander to the extreme.

Being the first year in the house I decided that I would host this year’s New Year gathering. Due to working the day shift I said to everyone that it’s bring your own booze and I won’t be providing food. Everyone came with their selection of alcohol, snacks and photo props. Starting the evening around 9 pm.

The night started off great. There were drinks flowing for those that do drink, snacks being eaten, chatting and laughter for all.

Having had a difficult couple of months it was good to get social again with everyone. By 11:30 pm I didn’t expect the drama to happen so quickly. There was one (who also happened to be my ex) was pretty much gone, unable to walk and needed to go home. Two of the guys went outside with him to get fresh air and was thinking about walking home with him. This made the new girlfriend of one of the guys mad and upset as he was leaving her on their first New Year after she’d also had a shit few months. And then there was me that also has a small cry.

To be honest I didn’t expect to start trying out my new theme and ways of being so soon. A new friend of ours who joined us shared some information in confidence where a side route to the conversation touched on me and my break up with my ex at the last meet up with the other members of the group. This made me feel that I was being talked about behind my back. So I pulled another friend aside to ask about it, and another came to listen in on the conversation as he left at the same time as me at the previous meet up.

She explained that they weren’t talking about me behind my back, they were sharing information from my ex to those in the group that needed to know what was going on with him. That does link with me but not to the degree I was being talked about. I accepted this, know my ex is going through some shit but it’s not my place to be knowing what’s happening. I had a little cry because I explained to them that hearing this upset me as I’ve always feared since the break up that I would lose them because of doing so. They expressed this wouldn’t be the case, that they love me and have them for life. It would only be between me and my ex that would lose friendship if anything not any of the rest.

I was open about how I felt with the two friends I was speaking too. I felt my emotions. Which has helped me to feel better in myself, feeling more serenity rather then stressing over the night.

So the New Year saw tears, too much drink and a half arsed Happy New Year’s everyone when we saw each other at the separate places in the house/outside.

The guys didn’t end up walking him home but one of the guys nan came to collect him, his wife and my ex. Another couple didn’t stay much longer. Then four of us remained until 01:15 am when the other three left. I did a mini tidy and then got myself ready for bed. It is now 02:00 am and I’m typing this. Have a little headache as I did have some champagne at midnight, and tried some of the others drinks. But ready to get myself to bed to start in the morning with the fresh new day and year again.

Tomorrow will also see a change to the title of this blog from Creating ‘Bloom’ in 2019 to Creating Serenity in 2020. New Year, New Theme.

However you saw into the New Year, I hope 2020 will bring you joy and the things you wish for.

journal entries, Life

16th – 31st December

16th December

The last few days I’ve felt the lack of energy in both body and mind. I’ve got up to go to work and felt tired. I haven’t been arsed to do anything helpful to me or others.

This morning on my day off I woke and then went back to sleep, still feeling like I did when I first woke. I was laid in bed reading some of my emails and reminded myself of the sign-ups I still have to complete. Then I saw the Qoya Love Series, that I’m not yet halfway on. I got myself up to complete another video in the hopes it gives me some energy to begin the rest of my day.

Qoya Love Series Day 5

Day 5 was about heart-opening. Inhaling and exhaling, then dancing to the music by following your heart. For a simple 3 minute and 30 seconds piece of music and instruction, it still is making me feel energised. Even after a couple of weeks break because life got in the way. I feel I need to incorporate Qoya into a movement ritual as self-care/love for my 2020. I just need to make sure I’m not taking away anything by doing so.

I fear that I would feel I’m not good enough, capable enough and go into procrastination mode that my vision for the next year wouldn’t happen. I hesitate moving forward and to get out of my comfort zone due to having the fears, that haven’t been able to do it before, so why would now be any different?

My dip in energy puts me more into a negative mindset. This is something I need to wok with myself on to try not to go backwards.

18th December

Finished Reading:
Pussy: A Reclamation

19th December

Adrift > 2.5 out of 5
Safe Haven > 4 out of 5

20th December

Bumblebee > 3 out of 5

21st December

Today I’m choosing to believe that I’m capable of completing any goal I set my mind to. That those I’ve lost over the last few weeks wouldn’t want me to spend all my time grieving, they would want me to be happy with what I’m doing in my life.

25th December

Little > 2 out of 5

26th December

Avengers: Endgame > 3.5 out of 5
A Dog’s Way Home > 3.5 out of 5
Deep Impact > 3 out of 5 

The past week I’ve been up and down with my emotions. My grandad passed away on Friday, which has hit me hard, causing my emotions to plummet. I’ve still been going to work having my routine go bad isn’t something I wanted to happen. If I stopped going to work I would just go to bed and not get out.

I was expecting Christmas Day to be the hardest of them all but it helped me. Seeing my grandad for the first time since the day of was the main reason. Without sounding bad, I saw him over dinner like a different person to the last few years. It was like a massive weight has been lifted from his shoulders. The colour has come back into his face. He was laughing and remembering his previous Christmases. It was heartwarming. I feel I can be happy, knowing I’m not gonna cause my grandad any upset.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna be happy 100% straight away. I physically and mentally am unable to. Being social is hard for me right now too. I’ve cancelled on a friend where I’d have to leave the house to go there and pretend to be ok which I’m unable to do.

I’m gonna use the rest of today and tomorrow to rest myself and my mind so that I can restore my energy, to be able to get happy without pretending.

27th December

For the first time in months, I woke up feeling inclined to do some yoga. I’ve gone back to Yoga With Adrienne who I feel comfortable with. I was mindlessly looking through Facebook beforehand, where I found a HoCo sister had shared Adrienne’s link to her Jan 2020 30 day programme. Seeing as I want to Just Move in the first quarter of 2020 with the hope to get back into an exercise routine. Trying out an exercise I’m comfortable with to start off I’m hoping will help me get back into a routine, without pressuring myself too much. Yoga pants are a must-buy though. I wore my painting joggers this morning.

I’m starting to feel more human this morning with my emotions. I’m feeling more positive, feeling I’m getting back into the happiness of my life.

28th December

It’s 2:23 am I’m fully awake and due to be on a 12 and half hour day shift in 4 hours. I’ve been trying to get to sleep since 11 pm but with no luck. I’ve read a couple of times to see if that will help. For once I wish I had something on my mind so that I could try to help myself in sorting whatever it is that is stopping me from sleeping. But there isn’t anything that is pressing me.

I have however changed my theme for the New Year. I was going to go with Faith; to have complete trust and confidence in myself. Even though I liked this for this year there was something that just didn’t settle with me. With the troubled year that I have just had, I want to have a more peaceful and settled year for myself as much as possible. The ways of being I chose and the pictures on my vision board were this for me but the word faith just didn’t. I’ve had the word serenity playing around my head since I did week 2. Why wouldn’t now be the right time to change this?

I have done so. It is now up on my Theme and Ways of Being Page ready for the New Year to being. All I have to do now is change my title for the year and 2020 I’m ready for you.

29th December

What Men Want (2019) > 2.5 out of 5

30th December

A Wedding For Christmas > 2.5 out of 5

Hotel Mumbai > 4 out of 5